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While watching law and order: CI (undoubtedly the best law and order spin-off. you can disagree, but you’d be wrong) yesterday, i happened to see an ad for burger king’s oreo bk sundae shake. If you’ve never actually seen the oreo bk sundae shake in person, the only thing to say to accurately describe it is that it looks like every reason why the world hates america. Seriously, this milkshake is so obnoxiously indulgent that i’m surprised it doesn’t come with a pocket sized perez hilton at the bottom. I think God kills a kitten every time someone drinks one.

So naturally, being the fat kid that i am, i try to have at least one of these per month. Sure, i’m lactose intolerant (which means i’ll probably be sleeping by myself that night) and sure, it has enough calories to feed each of ochochino’s next five kids for a week, but i don’t f*cking care. I love milkshake decadence. I know it’s bad for me, but i just can’t help myself. i’ll deal with the diabetic coma later.

As most men will tell you, there are a few types of women exactly like the oreo bk sundae chick, tasty, attractive, and enticing, but ultimately hazardous to your health.

Here’s five of them:

The Super Sexy Hoodrat

***btw, “hoodrat” and “hood chick” are completely different terms. there’s nothing wrong with being a hood chick, and you can actually be a hoodrat without being from the hood. if this doesn’t make any sense to you, just watch belly again and you’ll understand***

Why she’s tempting: her uber sexiness (and fighting ability) is enough to (almost) make you forget that the man whose initials are tattooed on her ass murdered your neighbor two years ago.

Why she’s toxic: your life expectancy decreases 5% every week you’re together. plus, her teenage son can (and will, if prompted) whoop your ass

Miss Lemony Snicket

Why she’s tempting: her life sucks walrus d*ck, so all you have to do is actually respond to her texts and occasionally kiss her during sex and she’s smitten for life

Why she’s toxic: because her life was a never-ending series of unfortunate events before she met you, she might actually kill you, herself, her neighbors, and everybody in her belt-making class if you ever try to leave her.

The Femme Fatale

Why she’s tempting: she’s a professional cocktease who’s able to get you horny just by saying “hell0″, and you’re an idiot

Why she’s toxic: you’re not going to be too happy when you see she’s using the same techniques she used to seduce you to get extra fries, free tax help, free drinks, better tables, better credit, new shoes, new boobs, and eventually a new you. 

Miss “think like a man…and act like a man too”

Why she’s tempting: you’ve been complaining all your life about non-sensible women and their latent bipolar-ness, so  you rejoice when you meet a chick who’s ultra assertive, rational, practical, and actually kicks you out of bed  (and her crib) after sex

Why she’s toxic: between the embarrassment you’ll feel during sex when you say “whose is it??” and she replies “not yours, weak d*ck muthaf*cker“, the annoyance you’ll feel when you realize she hasn’t listened to a single word you’ve said since january 2019, and the fact that her general blasé attitude about intimacy makes you (rightly) suspect that she’s slept with at least 150 guys, she’s not worth the trouble. plus, when you break up, she’ll probably start dating before you do, and her new guy will probably be an upgrade

The Tenderoni

Why she’s tempting: no cellulite, no kids, no real baggage, no non-perkiness anywhere, no  real income (which, combined with your age, means you’d wield complete relationship power), no world-weary cynicism (which means she’ll believe everything you say) , and no qualms about entering (and winning) the “how low can you go” contest at club laga  for two raheem devaughn tickets (you always wanted to see him live)

Why she’s toxic: to be perfectly honest, she’s not really toxic. But, you’ll eventually tire of teaching her how to cook and telling her why it’s not appropriate to send work emails in tweet speak. also, although you might have frequent sex, since most women don’t actually get good in bed until they’re 26, you’ll tire of that too

Anyway guys, did i miss anyone? can you think of any other types of tempting and toxic women?